|
|
2004-06-14 - 2:34 a.m. so i'm sitting at the yonkers public library & i'm thinking it's time to kill this page. i was lying awake the other night thinking about this, and it seems like the only thing to do. i started writing in here when i was 18 & about to go across the country. i figured it would be a good way to let people who were interested know what i was up to. & it got a life of its own. i was writing in here instead of writing zines, instead of writing letters to people who were important. & what has it brought me? there have been good things; emails from strangers, new friends, reading the intimate thoughts of amazing people (both who i know and who i don't know). i remember when i wrote in here that there was a chance that i could die if i didn't get a $400 test (which i didn't get, by the way, cuz i knew the doctor was a lying piece of shit. i cured myself with herbs and i am amazed that it worked) several people emailed me and offered to front the cash. that was fucking amazing and makes me teary eyed to this day. it's been a good diversion and a good distraction and it's inspired me to write a little more and it's made me happy on occasion. and the bad things? well, it's gotten way too easy to use this thing to communicate. it's easier to write a passive-aggressive entry about a friend than to actually confront them. i've both read and written so much passive aggressive shit on this thing. one of my ex-best friends used her diaryland page to write the meanest things about me & even a death threat of sorts. diaryland was where i found out a girl i loved was lying to me about something huge. it was where i found out a lot of things about a lot of people that maybe should be personal. when you type the name of my high school into google, an entry i wrote in here about fucking some boy on the high school baseball diamond comes up. i fell heart-stoppingly in love and it changed my fucking life and i felt i wasn't allowed to write about it, due to the people reading this thing. and now, i feel like nobody's reading. the people that do still read this never call me or email me or do anything else to show that i'm not dead to them. i'm different now. i'm 22 not 18 and i'm not quite so much of an attention whore. i don't want to do this anymore. any questions or comments can be sent to me at escape_well @ yahoo.com i don't have internet access very often, but the next time i go on i'm going to lock this. if you really want to read the archives for whatever reason, i can give you the password. it's been good having this thing, but it's definately way past the time to go.
|
