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2004-5-08 - 2:30 p.m. last night was exactly what i fucking needed. as i was walking over to steve's i was thinking about how i feel almost incapable of being a good friend to anyone lately, how i'm really wrapped up in my own shit (not to mention, a really intense relationship) and how i feel like nobody gives a shit about me at all anymore. when i got there laura gave me the most intense hug ever, it was squeezy and real and she didn't let me go. fuckin' 80's music was playing. shannon and bret were arguing like the married couple they secretly are. it made me feel safe. jen's hair was so big and she was wearing a shirt that said "pussy: it's what's for dinner" and she was teetering on her platform shoes and we talked about how we want to be faggots but we're just lame old bisexual dykes. sigh. laura slapped my ass really hard, jeffery and i exchanged "oh god we're sullen writers and we're at a fucking party" looks. i always feel good knowing he was there, because even though we aren't that close, we're generally on the same page about things. we both hate parties but we show up and start out scared and slowly start talking. god do i love that boy, i'm so sad he's going back upstate & staying there. got into a good conversation with laura, george and a longterm monogomous gay couple about love, and if it's better to have the constant high of new love or the slower, sweeter burn of something longterm. george, who is a fellow aries, said, "if you're with someone, and you're just coasting, and it's amazing and sweet and something you've never experienced before, but you want that fucking high again, and you break up with them just to fall in love with someone else, you will eventually realize that the high REALLY SUCKS." that's exactly what i've needed to hear for such a long long time. jake was super sad and it made me kind of sad. he managed to break out of it long enough to mock the guy with the short shorts & shiny legs. jonathan and laura and alex danced like crazy motherfuckers. andrew reminded me that i don't hate all straight white men. it was a nice fucking feeling, and even though nothing is genuinely different, i feel so much better. also, i finished the paper that's been an albatross around my neck, finally. huzzah!
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