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2004-02-08 - 2:10 a.m. it's late and i can't sleep. oh, the beginnings of many an online diary entry. rob is blasting this fucking annoying hardcore music and i am going to tell him to stop soon. my mind is on random. something weird happened tonight that reminded me of something horrible that happened years ago. i keep thinking about random things. the BART station where elka picked me up three and a half years ago. a few conversations verbatim that i had with my housemates in philly two years ago. i am so cold. axi was reading this diary out loud tonight, random parts. the past is funny, isn't it. my words sound better in her voice. she's an actress, you know. hearing secret messages in the songs playing on the computer (someone just left it on random. i always hear the weirdest songs when i'm down here freaking out. there's over 2000 songs on it, i guess, about 20 of which i've put on there. this isn't my house, you know). when axi was re-reading my diary i saw the title of an entry that i wrote about 20 minutes before something really shitty happened. that's the last & the only record i have of things being okay. a book i love said, "i try to remember the thing that happened before the bad thing. i remember how good that first sip of pepsi tasted, not the second when i swallowed a wasp." words to live by, i guess. i get obsessed. i can't let things go. a semi-ex-friend is fond of telling me to just get over things; devastating things that have never happened to her, and in the tone of her voice i can tell she's saying that because she has no idea what it's like and can't extend her imagination to sympathize and fuck it i can't hear that anymore i can't apologize or force myself into molds of feeling because this is the way i am and i can't help it
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