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2004-01-14 - 5:20 p.m. i am in an extreme state of panic right now, and i have been all day, ever since a certain person who is not allowed in my house anymore came over and antagonized me. i have already reached my breaking point with her and with everyone that is fucked up to me. i managed to remain calm and rational while she was here, but ever since she left (it's been 4-5 hours now) i have been crying and smoking and pacing. i almost threw up, i was heaving and gagging. carey & i took beth to the airport; she's moving back to ventura. on the drive back i almost started crying. i said, "much like j.lo, i've had enough". i never cry in front of people, so this was a big deal. carey made me feel a little better--we got home and listened to the oleson twins and giggled at bennifer related things. i can't do anything. patti smith is blasting and i am really, really, really teetering on the edge of something fucked up. i have so much to say. i kind of want to do another zine. i am trying so hard not to vomit. i am freezing and i want to repeat myself from here till eternity. i am normally not like this. i have no solutions. i don't know what to say.
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