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2003-12-31 - 2:50 p.m. i wonder if, when i die, people are going to see girls riding blue bikes everywhere & be convinced that it's be. all the bikes i've had since i was 11 (a grand total of three) have been blue and an integral part of my identity. i don't know. i had that thought while riding my squeaky onepedaled wonder up the bridge on south street. it made me think of this boy i vaguely knew who died a year after he graduated high school, a month after *i* graduated high school. i never liked him all that much, to be honest, but i remember one afternoon where the math teacher was screaming at us, about how we were all going nowhere with our lives, and if we didn't care about being there (as we so obviously didn't) we should just get up and leave. and he was the only one honest enough to leave, without saying one word, his slow walk down the aisle louder than any "fuck you" could ever be. i've always wanted to be that honest. anyway, a month or two after he died, i was in san fransisco, starting a crazy new life. and i SAW him, walking down the street. he wasn't a terribly original boy, to be sure, and it would have been easy for this to be just another doppleganger, but i really felt like this was some weird version of him. you know? i don't romanticize death. i don't want to romanticize anything. i have so so so much to do, and i can't do any of it. i stayed up all night the last fortnight, feeling brilliant and inspired, but now i've forgotten the point, i've missed it entirely. i stare at library books and i don't want to support people who need me. i want to hate them for my own fucked up reasons. i want to spend new year's alone, but i don't have anywhere to spend it. i was doing so well for so long. fuck.
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