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2003-12-15 - 9:45 p.m. i would like something to do right now that does not involve sitting, reading, writing or talking to anyone. i sit and stare for long periods of time, unable to move. i want to call up e and tell her to move to europe, that she can't wait for her dreams, that if she waits a few years it'll be too late. that she gets deader and deader every time i see her. but i don't think she'd listen to me and i don't have the energy for the phone. everything is slow today. the internet, my mind. yesterday i traveled six hours through the snow and rain for one finals review that was cancelled, and now i'm afraid i'm going to fail, i'm afraid i'm going to fail at everything. oh boo, oh hoo, i know. i know. i really need to write more. i wrote a desperate bloodstained zine when i was 19 and my girlfriend tells me it will change lives if i release it. i don't think she's just saying that because she's my girlfriend, although maybe she's exaggerating its importance for that reason. i want to do a split issue, a split with 19 year old ocean and 21 year old ocean, two entirely different people. i want to block out my eyes and pictures and make my name even faker & less legal, slightly distort my distinctive handwriting so nobody knows that it's me. i have too much to say, i have nothing to say. the pages are wrinkly from elmer's glue and it sits in the bedroom. i bit my tongue so hard the other day, and i only remember my life because it's written about in my journal. when has it ever made sense.
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