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2003-11-18 - 9:30 p.m. i am feeling very weird. weird is repetitive in my life, but the only one possible, really. things that i never expected to happen have happened this week. some are good, some are bad and some are mixed. um, i'm going to have to go back to retail really soon, and i feel like shit about it. i'm almost always sick about things like money; the last time i worked a cash register job i had to quit because a man threatened to kill me, and brought in three of his buddies, and they stared at me for four hours. also, i am at the point where i feel like i will die if i take anymore emotional abuse; where i don't call friends because they've fucked with me in the past and if they do it again i don't know what's going to happen to me or to them; where i get upset with my girlfriend for being friends with this girl we know simply because she reminds me of my abuser & has said a few borderline mean things to me. retail is all about emotional abuse (i know other fields are too, but this is relevant to me right now). retail is where they fire you if you fight back. i fought back. i looked that guy in the eye and screamed that he was a fucking asshole and he should get the fuck away from me. he screamed, "you worthless CUNT, you should be KILLED." my manager came, and he didn't seem to really care too much. the guy said, "fire this piece of shit! listen to what this fucking bitch said!" i screamed, "i called you an asshole because you ARE an asshole!" my manager looked at me, his lids halfway over his eyes. he looked like i was just being another hysterical, annoying woman. the guy leaned in and said, loud enough so my manager could hear, "bitch, i'm going to punch your fucking teeth in." and he did come back. two weeks later. i have no idea how i escaped. they were there, for four hours. and then they gave up on me. i have no idea why. i am eternally grateful. i told another manager that htey were there & staring at me & making me feel really uncomfortable. she said, "oh, he's a cop. he wouldn't hurt you,". i know most of you know this already. this was nearly two years ago. but i still think about it occasionally, i still think i'm going to see him every time i go to my former place of employment (it's a train station, so i have to be there whenever i visit my girlfriend). i still really don't want to go back behind that fucking cash register, any cash register. i don't want to stop fighting.
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