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2003-10-18 - 5:50 p.m. heather-lynn copying entry things i miss right now -being tough -my lesbros -myself at age fifteen, eighteen, i wouldn't go back to that for anything but i feel like i was a better person then -my girl, who will be home in a few hours but NOW i am pouting alone in her house -my copy of "the aeroplane over the sea" -my camera -feeling safe around [censored] -brooklyn -the F train -getting 60 hits a day on this page -beth, who just went to work an hour ago -believing in myself -memphis and its shitty-yet-amusing bus system there is more, but i am going to stop now. yesterday on the bus (i'd forgotten how much i love the bus, since i've been a bike & subway warrior forevs now) i met a rare stranger who said everything i needed to hear, although not to me. i don't know who he was talking to, really, but one of the things he said was, "i ain't normal. i ain't supposed to have survived, but i do, i still do." i have found out horrible things this week and my heart is absolutely broken right now. my girlfriend asks me what is wrong, poking, sad but kind of giggly. i have told her the details but i can't convey the emotion or what, exactly, it means. i haven't cried and have barely smoked cigarettes. i am going to write a book or maybe a zine thick enough to beat something over the head with. maybe.
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