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2003-10-01 - 5:21 p.m. so things have been okay. school's okay. i've been in a torrent of pain lately, missing everyone and not really anyone. i am going back to long island this weekend and i don't want to go, it's more out of obligation than anything else. i've been binding lately and it feels and looks really good; i feel like i can accept my body for what it is. i am terrified of what will happen if one of my parents notices. not like my breasts are any of their fucking business, but you know. nobody in this school knows that i have big tits, no one at all. well, the three people who know me away from school, but that's three out of 3000. people assume that i have really small ones and just don't wear a bra. only one person has been exceptionally stupid about it. i don't really know what to do with this info or what to tell anyone, it's just that i look better. and i feel a lot better. my hometown friends have been wildly unsupportive; such a shock, i know. my friends in other places have been great and understanding. sigh. so what else? i have been doing my homework for the first time in my life. times new roman font. it's strange, but not bad. i live on the top bunk. i hear stupid ignorant things every day. i miss my girl, who said to me the other day, "you're the bravest boy i know, because you wear skirts." if you can't deal with this, i don't know if you can deal with me, because i'm being really honest for once. i am telling the truth and scaring myself, like a book advised me last spring. fall is in the air and my sweaters are holey. i'm crampy and sick and thinking of a friend who just had an enormous family tragedy; i'm thinking about everyone i've ever loved. autumn leaves and riding the bus. the creak of my old lunchbox and what it means to be weird in a small town, and what to do when you're too weird to be weird. what to do when people stop listening.
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