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2003-01-19 - 6:57 p.m. this weekend was.... _an epiphany _depressing beyond belief _containing a boring party in a swank-ass manhattan apartment _and i smoked cigarettes on the balcony, the 23rd floor, and i could see for miles, new york city, the east river, and it felt so beautiful but so artificial _it's impossible to be up that high and not think about jumping off, at least for a second, even if you're feeling rather non-suicidal _i was at the party with one of my best friends. i didn't like anyone there except for the dude who was throwing it, so i quietly got drunk and read the newspaper. i'm not kidding. _we went to the corner store to buy beer early on in the evening. i did that whole "i forgot my id" song and dance since i'm FOUR MONTHS too young to buy alcohol and it's fucking bullshit. dudebro behind the counter starts saying in hindi, "do i sell it to her?" my friend, who knows some hindi, kept saying "it's okay! sell it to her!" but the manager type guy said, "No! She's Irish! don't sell!" oh, i guess i must be a raging alcoholic, not to mention automatically under 21. sigh. i'm primarily lithuanian and i don't look irish at all, except for the fact that i'm mad pale. _on the train home kastoory told me everything i've needed to hear for so long. like years. _trying to not smoke cigarettes or succumb to the winter blahs. today was the least productive day i've had in forevs. _afraid of: my own nipples, alcoholism, the future, things i can't mention here _thoroughly enjoying: "the boondocks" (a subversive mainstream comic strip), eminem, the bikey (there's a shock), fake meatballs and not giving a fuck. _i'm tired. of everything.
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