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2002-11-01 - 9:50 p.m. god i just don't know what to do or say anymore. i just had a fight with this person who is arguably one of my favorite people ever and it should have been devastating but i just don't fucking care. anymore. like self-hatred is such a weird emotion to articulate, it makes so much sense in your head, you understand that it's the driving force behind lots of things that you do (especially the fucked up ones) but when you actually try to talk about it it sounds so stupid, like boo hoo hoo all this bad stuff happened and that's why it seems like i hate you when in fact i really just hate me and you love me so i want you to hate me. farticulation. ha. i went to the halloween parade yesterday with eric & erin who are two of my oldest friends. it wasn't that much fun: crowded, full of potential gaybashers and general idiots and we couldn't even see the parade. but beforehand, when we were walking down 60th street to the subway, erin (who's normally quiet & retiring, but was dressed up as a scottish revolutionary, kilt & facepaint & all) tugged on my arm and said, "i just feel like yelling 'freedom'. i just feel like it." me & eric were all like, DO IT! and so she did, just leaned her head back on a crowded street and yelled FREEDOM! like she really meant it. it was definately the best moment of halloween, that and the subway ride back when we had a whole car to ourselves for a few minutes and me and eric went crazy dancing, spinning around on the poles and singing that celine dion song "all by myself", except for we were exuberant. i feel like i am throwing away gifts, and i mean the real, not material ones. people. you know. FUCK. i think that my life repeats itself in four year patterns and that i am making the very same mistakes that i was making when i was sixteen. fewer, but the big ones are the ones that count. oh yeah, and before i go, here is a quote from a diary of a boy i met once who i'm sure doesn't even remember me: "my answering machine has a computery voice. when all the messages were done it said "END OF MESSAGES". i swear to god i heard it say "END OF EVERYTHING"." his diary is so true i can't even read it, it hurts my eyes.
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