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2002-09-23 - 1:33 p.m. just yesterday, i was thinking about my ex-fling, who i haven't seen in three years. i was looking for something and i suddenly found the mixtape she made me. i thought i'd thrown it out in a fit of rage, but it was there & i stuck it in the tape player and i just love it. i occasionally (like maybe once a year) wonder who she's become, if she ever moved to brooklyn or loved someone without fucking with their head or quit smoking. is she a drama teacher? factory worker? does she do internet searches for my name like i do hers? (it comes with 3000 results. apparently she has a popular name. mine is distinctive, here, i'll type it out for the people who are looking for me: ocean capewell.) when i listen to mixtapes, i don't think about the crappy things said person has done, i think about the cute things. people who leave bouquets of dead weeds wrapped in romantic song lyrics on my bed, people who tell amazing stories that still bounce around inside of my ribcage, years later. people who disappear, leaving behind vague rumors. "i think she got addicted to coke" "i think she married a man" & this isn't just for her. i've made out with seventeen people in my life and i miss all of them, even the people who i'm on speaking terms with, even the people who helped me hate myself. one is married, one spreads vicious lies about me yet still lists me as a favorite diary, one is in california, about five have been out of my life for years now, many of them have just taken different paths, many of them discovered that they just couldn't deal with me. after my last extremely traumatic relationship i've been girlcotting love & falling for people, but now i feel like i can handle it again. oh, that's a lie, but i want to stop being afraid of people and everything that they carry with them. i've been coccooned long enough and it doesn't help, i'm still fucked up and scared and now i guess it's time to share it with the world, hmm? i am moving to brooklyn in a week and nothing has ever scared me more. there's nothing scary about it: it's a nice neighborhood, i've been to nyc hundreds of times, i identify as a new yorker, & 1/2 of my friends are in the region. i think i know why, though.
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