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2002-09-18 - 6:03 p.m. i just came back from brooklyn, where i'll be moving fairly soon. it was a really dissapointing visit & made me want to cry & smoke cigarettes, which i think i'll be doing shortly (too bad i have a) no job b)dwindling $ c) a huge debt d) an apartment in the city with the most expensive cigs in the world). i am just really really sad & isolated now. i have this semi-complicated theory about my life running in four-year cycles, i draw comparisons constantly. i really want to read my journals from four years ago so i can see how i dealt with feeling empty and crazy all the time, but my fucking father found almost all of my journals and photo albums and threw them out. & i have no evidence that the past existed, now, & i just don't know what to do. when i first got to brooklyn, i thought that i'd left my special ring at home and i felt so distraught, taking walks in the rain, looking for something to put on my finger. i found a jagged pop top in the gutter, i put it on my finger & it has some can-metal still on it. it looks like i could slash somebody's face with it. i call it my "brooklyn wedding ring." i love brooklyn, incidentally. i think my living sitch is going to totally destroy me, but it's a good deal! and i've dealt with worse, actually, so i'm trying to be brave. i really feel like i don't have any friends left, and i'm not saying that so random acquaintances will pretend to be my friends.
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